yeah i'm a pessimistic person, get used to it. you should catch me on my bad days

All the pain, every cut , scar and bruise that I  thought was all healed has been reopened. I'm back in this pool of negativity, but I've always been a pessimistic person. I wish this is was just me trying to get attention, because I once I get the attention I want, this stupid phase would end. Sadly, that's not the case. I'm fucked. A hopeless wreck. A damaged case. Fragile, broken. Whatever other word you want to use to describe me, but this is what I get for suppressing everything. I thought I was so good and forgetting painful things, but I was wrong. I was doing so good. I was on a happy kick for months, and then it all just comes crashing down. Fuck, why now? I'm losing more and more faith in myself. I wish I was happy all the time because really my life is a lot better compared to most people. I just have a stupid broken heart that won't go away and an on going self esteem problem since elementary. I'm a complete mess...probably unfixable. I'm so freaking hopeless and useless. Why can't everything just work out in my favor? Why can't I be happy ? Happy with myself and just happy in general. Why can't be in love with someone who loves me back? Why can't my problems be little things like 'what should I do on sunday?' Why can't I have what I want?