hello dear old friend

oh how i have missed you.
you've always kept me sane. sorry for abandoning you. i honestly didn't mean to you.

i feel as if i'm slowly losing myself, i'm not sure if i can bring myself back.
i'm so broken, to the point where it isn't funny.

i don't notice things like i used too.

something i've been thinking about lately, does everyone really just settle for second best ? like say your dream is to be a singer in a band, and for  someone reason you can't do it so you have to settle for second best, but you hate yourself for having that desire to be a singer. thats how i feel right now. i want something so bad to the point where it feels as if i need it, yet i can't have it, cause it's not for me to decide. but why give me this desire if i can't have it ? is it to make me suffer ? break me down? i'm sorry i don't like crying. i'm sorry i think its better to keep things bottled up.

I picked someone second best or not even second best more like 100000000th best because it was better than not having anything to pick. and yet i'm so miserable with this decision. i want my first choice, but i can never ever have my first choice.  because the feelings aren't returned.

being just friends is fine in a sense, because thats what he wants and that makes him happy. and all i want is for him to be happy.  but his happiness is slowly making me miserable. i want to be the reason he's smiling, but i don't want him to force it. i want what's his best for him in every way possible. so maybe i'll just deal with settling because anyone else would just be settling.

i hope one day he stumbles upon this and maybe realize how much pain us being just friends really caused me. i promised him things wouldn't change between him and me so i'm keeping that promise because that's what a good friend does.

am i a good person?

good people hardly ever hurt anyone. yet i constantly hurt myself. so maybe i am in every way a bad person just as a rapist. i'm hurting and destroying myself. feeling myself with false hope.  a part of me just wants to walk away from this all, however, that would make me a bad person. yet i want to stay and be there for him and be the best fucking friend he could  ever ask for, and this is killing me. because i am just the friend.

always always the friend. i may not be a bad person to other people. but to me i am a monster who is in the process of self destruction.