Firework

For those who talk to me on a daily basis, or for those who actually pay attention to what I blog on here, when I blog, you'll know I'm not necessarily the most confident person in the world. I'm much harder on myself than I should be. I always always see the negative in me, yet I can see the positive in everyone else. I'm nice to everyone except to myself. I say and think more mean things about myself than a rude anon person could probably ever think of saying to me.

I am my own worst enemy. I am my own personal hater. I am my own rude anon. I am my own demon. I am my own destructor.  I am my own naysayer.  I am my own demise, and it's such a terrible thing to be to yourself. Sadly, the last three years, I had not seen myself as these own things. I knew I was harsh on myself, but not to the extent that I really am.

The last few weeks I had been noticing that I was extremely terrible to my own self. I could never bring myself to be mean or hurtful to anyone else in the world, but when it came to my own self I was terribly mean. Every day when I looked in the mirror, I saw nothing but negative things. Chubby cheeks,  big nose, just chubby in general, my scars, my hair, just everything that I saw in the mirror was wrong. It was negative. I saw a worthless girl. A girl who could just disappear from the face of the planet , and no one would care. No one would love a girl like me because I am a terrible mess, too broken, too damaged, too unconfident for anyone to love, too ugly. What I saw was someone who just wasn't even good enough.

Everyone else in my life though, they are good enough. I see all the positives about them , and yet none for me. It was starting to get bad, and I was heading quickly back to where I started three years ago when I started completely pouring my heart into this blog, because this was the only safe place aside from Travis. I have come to realize that I only truly use this blog when I know no one is going to really read my blog, because let's face it, no one does read my posts on here. And if they do read these posts on here, it's because I linked them to the post, or because maybe someone in the future is reading this and I've become famous or something and while googling me they came upon this blog.

Anyways, this blog is my safe haven. This is where I come when I have got too many thoughts swirling about, whether they be good or bad. I have tried to use this blog as an all purpose blog (blogging about music I like and what's going on in my life on a daily basis) yet it never seems to stay. So this blog is really just my therapeutic place to write because I know this place doesn't judge me . My thoughts are pretty much secret here. If you are reading this blog it's  because  you  mostly likely stumbled across it on you're own, unless you are the lucky few who I have linked this too; if you are truly enjoying everything I say on my blog and can relate to everything I'm saying  then I hope somehow I make you feel like you are not alone in this world and that you are worth something.

Now, I can simply tell you that you are worth something when I can't even tell myself that? Well actually these past two weeks, I have come to realize that I am worth something. I do mean something to someone. I am important to someone. I am a great person. I'm definitely the best friend anyone can ask for. I may not be a super model, but I'm pretty in my own way. I have come to realize all these things.

How you might ask?

A couple of weeks ago, I was very lucky to get to see one of my favorite pop artists in concerts. And if you guessed due to the title of this blog, Katy Perry, then you are correct. I had such an amazing time just singing all of her songs and dancing along. It was great. But the moment came to my realization was when Katy performed Firework. I had already loved this song dearly, but singing along to it live, just somehow worked as a healing process for me.

I am bright. I have a light in me. I am worth something. I can ignite and show the world how amazing I really am. I just need to remember there is a spark, a light , a firework inside of me.  My dreams will come true as long as I work hard for them, and I'm willing to do that. I will do that. I will become what I have always wanted to be.  I will shine brighter than I could have ever imagined. I will be something great.

For starters, I need to start loving myself , and stop being so hard on myself. I will be confident, I have to be. I can no longer tell myself such negative things. I can no longer let myself hold on to someone who is not going to love me back. I have to move on. It's been three years. I know I will always love that person, but I can't hurt myself constantly for it.

Just when someone tells you "I stopped loving you, but at a time I did love you" is the worse thing you could probably be told. Cause you blame yourself for that person not loving you anymore. At least I did.  I tried so hard to figure out what I had done to make him stop loving me, and I have realized it wasn't my fault. People fall out of love. And that is the difference between being in love with someone and loving someone.

If you love someone , you will never ever stop loving them. But when you're in love with someone , you can stop being in love. Cause love is forever, and "being in love" is just a moment that can easily come to an end. When you truly love someone it will never go away, so you would never leave that person. I let my spark die because I had been told that I wasn't loved by a person anymore. My heart died. I gave up my dreams. I only went to school because it would shut my parents up. I picked a random major because it was something my old self wouldn't have picked. I missed out on three years that I could have been working on my craft. Three years!!! I gave up on wanting to be that person I wanted to be ever since I was a little girl.

Even when I was in this funk, I've been in the last three years, I still strived to be that person I wanted to be, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Why? Because I thought if I returned to being the happy- smiling-theatre loving girl that I would once again get hurt. So I did nothing about my dream. I let it fall to the wastelands. I let it die. When I had realized that I let my dream die a few months back is when I really started hating myself. How could I betray myself like that? How could I hurt that little girl who loved putting on plays for family? How could I hurt that high school girl who had dreams as high as the sky? How could do that to her? How ? Why I had let one person alter my whole entire being? How did I let that person do that?

I let myself suffer. Every day, I knew something was missing. Every single day. I just knew something wasn't right. I started getting scared  about school cause I knew I was in the wrong major. I had some idea that I was in the wrong when I started watching Glee, because when I was in high school all I wanted to do was be a part of the show choir I could join, never I go to (I'll save that story for some other time). I could have changed everything, if I had got the guts to audition for it. But what did I do? I cowered away. All I could think of was "What if I'm not good enough?" I did not ever want to hear that I'm not good enough again from someone else, yet though I could pound to myself all the time that I'm not good enough. I could destroy myself without a problem, but no one else was allowed to do that anymore. I was scared I wouldn't make it. So I didn't bother auditioning.

However, Glee was not the true moment I had realized that I had let my dream die. It was when I started watching "A Very Potter Musical" for the first time back in March. (For those who know I have been a Harry Potter fan for years, a musical theatre fan since I was practically a baby, and a recent Darren fan due to glee. I was a little pissed with myself that I had not know about AVPM before march.)  So I began watching this musical and I loved it so much, I watched AVPS the next night. And once again I loved Starkid's work. Then I watched "Me And My Dick" , and that was just the cherry on top of a lovely sundae for me. Within the next month I started listening to the soundtracks, and watching the musicals about everyday.

This when the realization came that I had let my dream die. I realized how much I wanted to be in musical theatre, how much I wanted to be an actress-singer for musical theatre. Starkid made me realize that theatre is where I should be. Theatre was where my heart was truly happy. Being an actress is what my heart has been set on since I was a little girl. I felt dumb for letting my dream die like that. That's when I started being a million times harder on myself and just saying the most horrid things I could to myself. Because I had let my dream die. I'm not saying that I would have been a part of Starkid if I hadn't let my dream die, but I would have been in musicals and plays if I hadn't let my dream just fall like that.

So then I started being more terrible to myself than I already had, whether or not it showed to other people, I was. Constantly, I could think of negative things about myself.  Anytime someone would call me smart, I would refuse to believe it, because I knew the truth. I was stupid. I was stupid to myself. I was so damn stupid for betraying myself, for letting myself lose faith in the person I used to be. For just hurting me like I did.  Yes, Josh broke my heart. But I did more damage to myself than he did to me.

This is where singing Firework at the Katy Perry concert ties in. Singing a long to that song I felt like I had re-ignited my spark. That it was truly back. I was happy with myself. I had signed up for all classes towards acting for the up coming fall semester. I am finally trying to truly work at my dream. I can do it. I will do it. I will accomplish my dreams. And one day I will be on a stage in broadway performing in front of the audience, and I hopefully will ignite a spark in someone to follow their dreams and work as hard as possible to see their name in a mar-key.  I want do for someone what Starkid and Katy Perry have done for me.

We are all fireworks. We all have sparks inside of us, but we must not let our sparks die. I did, and it was the worse thing I have ever done to myself. Please do not let your spark die. Do not ever let it die. I hope I can be an example to someone that letting your spark, your fire die is the a terrible thing to do.

I know my future is going to be amazing. I will get to be in fantastic musicals and maybe even plays , I will get to meet more amazing people , I will be making a difference in someone else's life. I will inspire someone to continue on with their dreams. I am going to accomplish my dream! I will be a musical theatre actress. I am not giving up on myself this time. And I will be auditioning for the Glee Project. So who knows, maybe I'm on Glee by the time this post is being seen by tons of people or maybe I got very luck and I'm in Starkid. Or I'm doing broadway. Whatever it is that I'm doing in the future, I know it will be amazing, cause I went through with my dream. I fought for it. I worked hard for it.

My firework will be as bright as it was intended to be. Sorry if this post seemed to drag on, but I needed to get all of these words out.

Do not let your dreams die. As Joe Moses (of Starkid) said "If it's something you want, you just gotta work for it because most likely you will be living your dream. You can make your dreams happen". (that was a paraphrase from an interview he did) Thank you , Joe for those kind words. I hope somewhere Joe that you are reading this or that I have told you in person how much your words has struck my heart and changed my view on everything. Thank you.

Lots of Love,
Britney Monae